Ramblings

i have not posted in quite a while and this one is a tough one cause I am not sure if I really want to post it but I am going to have to stop worring sooo damn much about other peoples feelings and find a way to vent my own. so if this does not appeal to you then do not read further.


I have been thinking.....my feelings have been hurt....now while I know this is not your problem and you might not even care but there it is. Why are they hurt? I feel slighted and abused and left out and uncared for. I know that life is crazy and busy and more cause that is how it is for me. I can forgive not being asked to come over for dinner or not having a movie night because I am too tired most of the time to really want to get together. Last time that I tried to talk about us not getting together I was told that you did not want anyone too involved with your life. Well I do not want to be involved with your life in anyway that you might think. i just wanted friends. Plain and simple. Friends that cared enough to give me a simple call or pay a simple visit. There are many many evenings were I could use a friend but there is none there for me or for Aaron. So we both have thrown ourselves into make believe entertainment. again I know this is not you problem but those are the facts.

i have come to think of you as the kind of person that cared about others. and there was a time that i was there for you when you felt like you had no one else to turn too. when I think about it now i wonder if that was a mistake. I feel like it did no good for our friendship...if anything it made it more strained and unreliable.

I know that you are currently having a lot of challenges and I am soooo glad that you are seeking help from the community for alot of those but one question......did you just use me because i feel like you used me....you got me to help you and then you threw me aside. with no other thought as to what i might feel. Maybe it is for the best though because I am finding that I a getting to depressed waiting to be noticed....waiting for my amends. when is that going to come?? When am I going to understand why things happened the way they did. I just want understanding.....it is too late most likely to get our original or even our most recent friendship back but one can hope.

these feelings are real and sure I might need meds half the time to keep some of them in check. I do not expect that these will be resolved any time soon. I think it will take a miracle for both of us to find what we really want to stand for.

I do not want to see friends suffer but at the same time I have soo many issues. Ihave done things that i am not proud of...so not proud that I eat. I eat and watch tv and I am sad. I am sad because I do know how to change but do not see a good reason to change.